I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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