she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
