Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
