Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
