Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
