i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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