It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
