Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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