So drunk, too bad you don't want this
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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