my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize