it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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