you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
