Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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