I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
