My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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