trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
