he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
