i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
