Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
