just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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