Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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