I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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