"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
