Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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