Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
