it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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