I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
