I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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