I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize