Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
