a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
