Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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