My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Im part way to drunk.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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