The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
