My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
