guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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