Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
