I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
