hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
