Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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