So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
