Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
