I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
