She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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