My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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