we have officially lost it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
