I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize