I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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