So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize