i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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