I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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