I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
