Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
