Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
