he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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