Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
