mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
