I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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