she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
