Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
