I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
pray to the hookup gods
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
