The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
