shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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