Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
