sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Randomize
