i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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