A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's never too late to be topless.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
