i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize