Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We're too hungover to prance.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
