I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
