I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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