Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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